I’m oddly sentimental.  Sometimes it feels like I miss things more than people.  I’m nostalgic about a general time in my life more than I am a specific moment.  And if you ask me about extraordinary times in my life I usually recall spending those times alone.  I have a unique fondness for being alone, because despite being a singular person I’m still surrounded by the world.  I enjoy embracing the world.  From the simplicity of retrieving a pickup order at my favorite Chinese takeout, (Does the waiter at the restaurant know the order of Mongolian Beef, Lemon Chicken, Honey Walnut Prawns, Chicken Chow Mein, and large Steam Rice is only for me?  Of course not, he gave me five fortune cookies.)  To snorkeling with the fishes at Turtle Bay in Hawaii, (Surely the fish won’t judge me for pretending to be Aquaman for a moment?)  Side note:  this is the only appropriate time pretending to be Aquaman is any fun-since I outgrew my bathtub. 

 Recently, I was talking with my two sons about being more responsible. As an example I explained to them that when I was their age (which isn’t very long ago) I was able to ride my bike to the mall, hang out at the stores, have lunch, play video games in the Arcade, play video games for free (Nintendos were setup at the department stores), and use the department store bathroom-it’s way cleaner. I didn’t always go alone.  Most times a friend would join me, but I honestly can’t remember what we talked about.

 My time there was spent wondering and imagining. Here is a list of the required activities on every mall excursion:

• Sneak into the naughty section of Spencer’s Gifts.
• Peruse the posters at the poster shop. 
• Touch every basketball shoe I thought would make me play better. 
• Admire the pretty older girls working at the cool jeans store. 
• Double check my head size by trying on every fitted hat in Shirtique (to this day I have never owned a fitted ball cap).
• And finally visit one, if not both, of the music stores. 

The music store allowed me to combine activities-sneak, peruse, touch, admire and double check.  Just existing inside the store made me feel cool.  Occasionally I would have saved up enough money for a single, but most of the time I would be content just imagining buying the latest cassette tape.  Wondering if this “musician” had my self-imposed requirement of at least four good songs I would like before asking my mom if I could have it for my birthday. The music store is a mall staple.  Just like sipping a drink from Orange Julius (guess that’s Jamba Juice now), to gawking at a bikini clad woman wishing a Happy Birthday on a card from Spencer’s Gift’s (Hallmark has that card now?!)

 There’s a new CD I want (see I can adapt). Being a man means not having to wait for your birthday, and since I was feeling nostalgic for a trip to the mall I jumped in the car.  Sure I could go to Target. I could go to the electronic big box store of the day (Good Guys, Circuit City, Best Buy) but nothing would satisfy my craving for the mall.  Maybe today was the day I would learn a new language from a kiosk.  The plan: an afternoon vacation with capitalism daydreaming.    Here are my thoughts:

1. After visiting the fashion forward stores that are too hip for me, I’ve learned it’s time to own a jean jacket again.
2. White pants are available.  Everywhere!
3.  It might be a good idea to wear Sketchers “shape-ups” (good enough for Joe Montana) so I can look taller.  I am worried my calves will begin to weigh me down though.
4. Are there women who dress like Forever 21 everyday?  Do they have a casual section?
5. Everyone should be able to afford Sean John.  They sell it at Macy’s, but the clothes have a T.J. Maxx feel to them.
6. White shorts too.  I can be dressed head to toe in white!
7. Purchased my first bottle of cologne since I bought Cool Water in 1992.  I still have that bottle.  Cologne lasts a long time when you don’t care about smelling like a guy who cares about smelling fancy.
8. As long as we all know that men’s shirts are just oversized blouses with the buttons on the correct side I’ll buy one.
9. Is there a condition or sickness for loving neck ties? I don’t want to be cured of it.  I just want to use the medical term so I can sound and look fierce.
10. Just read my last two thoughts.  Now I sound like a guy who cares about smelling fancy.
11. FYI-the mall is open for Memorial Day.  Is anybody under the illusion American businesses close on holidays where they can use patriotism as a marketing tool?
12. There is absolutely no reason for me to go into Aeropostal anymore.  Especially now that I’m twice the age of the girls who work there. Of course I’m just assuming they’re that age because of child labor laws.  From the looks of it they could be eight years old.
13. Foot Locker is selling Penny Hardaway basketball shoes on sale for $99.99.  Can Anfernee even afford these anymore?  Side note:  It might be unhealthy how much I miss Lil’ Penny.  The only person with Lil’ in their name I’ve ever liked.  Lil’ Penny can afford to pay Anfernee to do anything he wants.
14. I feel like the Sesame Street t-shirts are being held at Hot Topic against their will.  If only the Superhero shirts weren’t under some evil mind control.
15. I read about a guy who spent a year strictly living according to the Bible.   I heard about the guy who only ate McDonald’s for every meal for a year (has anyone checked on him?).  I saw on the news a guy stayed in his home for a year, and ordered everything he needed from the Interweb.  These were all scientific studies?  Anyway, here is what I want to study.  For one year, I would like a woman (equal opportunity) to wear only clothes purchased from Forever 21.  Morning. Noon. Night.  Every single occasion.  I hope she has multiple funerals and weddings to attend.  And if there is a God, she’ll be pregnant six months in. 
16. In exchange, I’ll wear a different multicolor hat from Lids every day for a year. Starting with the Florescent Green (The clerk called it lime.  Hey genius, lime doesn’t glow)/Blood Red/Plaid Yankees cap.  Joe DiMaggio is rolling over in his grave.  He’ll feel better once he sees the Forever 21 experiment lady.
17. Which gift says, “I have no idea what you like” more?  A gift card to the mall or a gift card to Target.
18. When I was eight years old I would have committed every sin in the book for a Lego Death Star.  Today I can’t bring myself to spend the $400.00 to buy one knowing I haven’t given one cent to Haiti.
19. Of course I bought Cinnabon.  I’m insulted you even asked.
20. Genius note to myself: Sell actual apples outside the Apple store.  No need for signs.
21. The most crowded store: The Apple store.  So many geeks playing with touch screens. Maybe the Apple store just replaced the Arcade.
22. Least crowded store: Frederick’s of Hollywood.  $0.02 if you have ever seen somebody purchase something here.  I want physical proof.  How do they stay in business located next door to Lane Bryant?
23. Reason I know it’s someone’s Mother-In-Law’s birthday somewhere in the world-See’s Candy is doing business.  She’d be happier with Cinnabon.
24. A person can’t be called lazy if they traveled to the mall to buy an item from the “As Seen On TV” store.  FYI-they don’t accept returns if you actually bought it on TV.
25. Ladies, if you resemble Precious, please don’t dress like Beyonce.  If you resemble Kirstie Alley, don’t dress like Jennifer Anniston.
26. Guys, you are not Jay-Z.  He’s the only man in his 40’s who is allowed to wear his hat to the side and sag his pants.
27. Took me 20 minutes to find the difference between the Express men’s and women’s stores.  The socks.  BTW-Ellen DeGeneres would look great in everything here.  Their new slogan “Come to Express-it’s like walking in Ellen DeGeneres’ closet.
28. I came to the mall to purchase a CD.  Despite every store blasting Ke$ha (I can’t believe I just typed that-@#$!), only one store actually sells music-the Disney Store.

 On my way home from the mall I went to Target to buy the elusive CD.  They don’t carry it.  So I reluctantly went to Best Circuit Guys.  They don’t have it either-at any of their five locations near me. The customer service teenager explained to me that I could order it to be delivered, but it would take 2-3 business days.  I explained that I could do that from home, plus I was hoping to hear the CD today. Then he told me to just download the CD from the Interweb. I said, “But then I won’t have the liner notes, or the cool picture on the cover.  Plus Interweb music doesn’t play in my car.” 

 So Frustrating!  Sometimes I just want to go to the mall and get something. 10-year old me imagined I would be able to someday.  I thought I lived in America, but apparently I live in the past.